Today is hall closing for the student.
The semester has ended.
It has been a long semester.
As for the way I have been feeling, i not been feeling well.
My side has been hurting.
However, on a good note, I will be flying out to Connecticut on Sunday.
My mother and father do not have the internet, so this will be last blog of the year!!!
When I return, on January 8th, I have a CT scan and then on January 9th, I will be meeting with my oncologist Dr. Tanaka
Happy Holidays and Happy New Years!!
Friday, December 19, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Happy Holidays To All
Dear Friends and Family,
Happy Holidays! 2008 has been a busy, stressful and wonderful year.
However, my motto is when you work hard, you play hard! So, I have also been on some pretty incredible vacations this past year. In June I was very lucky to go on vacation to Aruba with my friend Brenda. It was a trip of a life time! I went. It took awhile to get there, as we had six plane rides (roundtrip) but once we were there, we went on brilliant excursions. We went parasailing, jet skiing, cave and scuba diving.
In July, I went on a pilgrimage to Kanab, Utah to visit an organization called Best Friends Animal Society. Best Friends Animal Society is working with shelters, rescue groups and members nationwide to bring about a time when there will be no more homeless pets. Best Friends operate the nation's largest sanctuary for homeless animals; providing adoption, spay/neuter, and educational programs. I highly recommend you all check out the website www.bestfriends.org.
As for my health… it can best be described as a rollercoaster. As you know, in June 07 my appendix burst. During my appendectomy, the doctors found and removed a cancerous tumor. I was diagnosed with Neuroendocrine Cancer. Since then, I have been going to the UC Davis Cancer Center for routine checkups (ie: tests, blood work, etc.) However, in
April 08, I was feeling pain in my lower right region of my abdomen. After meeting with my oncologist
and having a plethora of tests, I was informed in August 08 that a CT image showed that there were 8+ new tumors found in the same site where my appendix once was. The tumors are located in the lymph nodes. Since then, I have been going to numerous doctors and I have had multiple tests (MRI, Octride Scan, CAT Scans, PET Scan). I visit the hospital at least 1-2 times a week. The odd thing is I feel fine! Besides the occasional pain and the overwhelming stress from time to time, I feel great! I will find out more about the details of my treatment in January 09 after another CT Scan. For more details of my medical updates, please check out my personal blog http://jso1110.blogspot.com/ I update it almost daily.
Throughout my journey, I have had many people stand by my side – family, friends and strangers that have called daily and I could not be more grateful. Despite the dreadfulness of cancer, something amazing has happened. Cancer has caused me to build stronger and closer bonds with my friends and family. I know this sounds crazy, but it’s true. I have also met pretty amazing cancer survivors who have helped me along my journey -- Kevin Sullivan, Martha Church, and Paul Molly. They are my heroes. They are not biological family, but have given me love, hope and support like they were family.
Another one of my heroes is a lady and I do not know her name. While on a Southwest flight from Sacramento to San Diego, I sat down next to an elderly couple. They cracked me up. They were reading a People magazine that they found in the front seat pocket in front of them. They were laughing at the pictures of the celebrities dressed in ridiculous outfits. I knew I sat next to the right people. We began to talk and laugh together. Once the flight began, I pulled out a book that my friend Kevin Sullivan suggested I read – “Its Not About the Bike” by Lance Armstrong (this book changed my life). The woman sitting next to me put her hand on my hand and told me that Armstrong’s book helped her through the hardest time of her life. She began to tear up. She informed me that she has breast cancer, twice – both breasts. I informed her that I too have cancer and that I was going to the UC San Diego Morris Cancer Center to get a second opinion and explained my history. We cried on the plane. The woman then took off her yellow Livestrong Bracelet and told me to wear it until my treatment was over. She said that she had worn it throughout her treatment and she survived. I was in shock. She put it on my wrist and she hoped that it would give me the same luck it gave her. We talked the entire trip. After getting our luggage, we hugged and parted ways. I don’t know her name, but I am so grateful for her conversation. I am still wearing the Livestrong bracelet today and I have enclosed a Livestrong bracelet for you to hopefully pass along the same hope and courage that she gave to me.
Looking back on this year, I have realized I have learned a lot. A good friend once gave me the following advice, advice we all should live by: “Our lives are made up of moments - that's all we get. No single moment ever comes again so we need to grab each one and live it to the fullest! Don't allow anticipation to steal the good moments away from you!” With that said, I wish you all the best in 2009. I hope all of your wishes, dreams and wildest thoughts come true.
Happy Holidays!! Thank you for being a part of my life. Live Strong,
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Grateful, Fear, Sadness -- all in a waiting room
I went to the UC Davis Cancer Center today to get lab work done.
My friend came with me. This friend is very scared of my cancer -- he fears my death. He has done his best to stay away from the conversation about my cancer however today he wanted to come with me to the hospital. I was surprised by the fact he wanted to come, but I do know that deep down, he loves me with all of his heart. His support today meant a lot to me...
When we got to the UC Davis Cancer Center, we ended up in the waiting room.... waiting!
There must have been close to 15 people in the room. Its odd to look around and think that all of the people in the room were in the same boat I was -- some better off than I am, some much worse off than I am -- nevertheless, it made me sad
I was sitting with my friend and he and I were talking to each other through our body language. He knew I was uncomfortable and visa via.
A couple then came out of a room and sat across from us. They were no older than my parents.
The female began to cry and kept telling her husband how sorry she was for the way he was treating him. She began to cry hard. He held her.
Immediately, I got a bad vibe.
She continued to say things like "well.. that explains why I have pains in my chest" and "God, it hurts so much..." Finally she turned to her husband and asked "what did the doctor mean by my cancer is terminal"
My heart stopped.
Her husband put his arms around her body and told her that they would get a second opinion.
She collapsed in his arms. She began to wail. She kept saying "how are we going to tell our kids? Ill never see them grow up, never see them get married...."
I could not listen any longer. I looked around the room at the others.
Some looked down.
Some had tears in their eyes
I started to cry.
All of us in that room could get news like that one day... and honestly it scares me.
The thoughts of uncertainly. The thoughts of death. The thoughts of this monster taking over and you have no control... it sucks!
I immediately text messaged my friend (and cancer survivor) Kevin.
My text to Kevin:
It might sound harsh, but it is true.
The doctors came into the waiting after she fell to the ground and they took her out.
I am not sure if I will be ever to remove that memory from my mind, but I hope I do.. because it might have been the scariest thing I have ever witnessed.
I just wish I will never be in her spot....
Lesson to be learned: live hard. love hard. -- I love you all!
My friend came with me. This friend is very scared of my cancer -- he fears my death. He has done his best to stay away from the conversation about my cancer however today he wanted to come with me to the hospital. I was surprised by the fact he wanted to come, but I do know that deep down, he loves me with all of his heart. His support today meant a lot to me...
When we got to the UC Davis Cancer Center, we ended up in the waiting room.... waiting!
There must have been close to 15 people in the room. Its odd to look around and think that all of the people in the room were in the same boat I was -- some better off than I am, some much worse off than I am -- nevertheless, it made me sad
I was sitting with my friend and he and I were talking to each other through our body language. He knew I was uncomfortable and visa via.
A couple then came out of a room and sat across from us. They were no older than my parents.
The female began to cry and kept telling her husband how sorry she was for the way he was treating him. She began to cry hard. He held her.
Immediately, I got a bad vibe.
She continued to say things like "well.. that explains why I have pains in my chest" and "God, it hurts so much..." Finally she turned to her husband and asked "what did the doctor mean by my cancer is terminal"
My heart stopped.
Her husband put his arms around her body and told her that they would get a second opinion.
She collapsed in his arms. She began to wail. She kept saying "how are we going to tell our kids? Ill never see them grow up, never see them get married...."
I could not listen any longer. I looked around the room at the others.
Some looked down.
Some had tears in their eyes
I started to cry.
All of us in that room could get news like that one day... and honestly it scares me.
The thoughts of uncertainly. The thoughts of death. The thoughts of this monster taking over and you have no control... it sucks!
I immediately text messaged my friend (and cancer survivor) Kevin.
My text to Kevin:
Hey Kev- I'm at the hospital.
There is a woman in the waiting room who just found out she is terminal.
I'm having trouble dealing with this. I cant deal.
Why don't they move her to a private room?
Kevin's response:
There is a woman in the waiting room who just found out she is terminal.
I'm having trouble dealing with this. I cant deal.
Why don't they move her to a private room?
Kevin's response:
maybe it is just her time Josh... She may have lived an extraordinary life..
but you need to keep a positive attitude. Remember, you are running our own race.
Don't worry about others, you need to keep your eye on your finish line
but you need to keep a positive attitude. Remember, you are running our own race.
Don't worry about others, you need to keep your eye on your finish line
It might sound harsh, but it is true.
The doctors came into the waiting after she fell to the ground and they took her out.
I am not sure if I will be ever to remove that memory from my mind, but I hope I do.. because it might have been the scariest thing I have ever witnessed.
I just wish I will never be in her spot....
Lesson to be learned: live hard. love hard. -- I love you all!
"Hi, UCD Complaint Department, Its Josh again..."
Happy Monday!
I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend. It was quite eventful in the life of a on-call residence life coordinator. I had a very busy weekend.
Nevertheless, like I said in my last blog, I needed to call UC Davis Patient Relations to make a complaint about how Angela in Radiology treated me.
Now, first and foremost, if you are reading this blog, you know that I am not a complainer.. however, I will also know that I am not one that gets pushed around and walked all over.
I contacted my new best friend from Patient Relations, Sarah. Sarah helped me with my first compliant and she was very happy to hear from me. I told her about my issues with Angela and how it worries me for my continued health in the UC Davis Radiology and for the lack of professionalism.
Time for me to be blunt: Angela has NO right to voice her opinion about me making a compliant. According to the Federal Law, each patient has something called patient rights. One of those rights are to make a free willing formal complaint. Angela has NO right to tell me whether or not I should or should not make a compliant... it is my right. Secondly, Angela's primary job is to SIMPLY schedule appointments, not judge, diagnose or interpret! It might sound rude, but it is the truth.
After a nice 35 minute conversation with Sarah, my formal complaint was completed and I had to make it down to the UC Davis Cancer Center for blood work...
...what a day...
I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend. It was quite eventful in the life of a on-call residence life coordinator. I had a very busy weekend.
Nevertheless, like I said in my last blog, I needed to call UC Davis Patient Relations to make a complaint about how Angela in Radiology treated me.
Now, first and foremost, if you are reading this blog, you know that I am not a complainer.. however, I will also know that I am not one that gets pushed around and walked all over.
I contacted my new best friend from Patient Relations, Sarah. Sarah helped me with my first compliant and she was very happy to hear from me. I told her about my issues with Angela and how it worries me for my continued health in the UC Davis Radiology and for the lack of professionalism.
Time for me to be blunt: Angela has NO right to voice her opinion about me making a compliant. According to the Federal Law, each patient has something called patient rights. One of those rights are to make a free willing formal complaint. Angela has NO right to tell me whether or not I should or should not make a compliant... it is my right. Secondly, Angela's primary job is to SIMPLY schedule appointments, not judge, diagnose or interpret! It might sound rude, but it is the truth.
After a nice 35 minute conversation with Sarah, my formal complaint was completed and I had to make it down to the UC Davis Cancer Center for blood work...
...what a day...
Monday, December 8, 2008
Radiology, Line 2
I have been waiting for about a week to have the radiology department to call me back to figure out if I should have my missed Pelvic CAT Scan completed. According to the Margie, the Director of the Radiology Department at UC Davis, she was very concerned about my health and she would contact my oncologist to find out if I could get the scan....
But this is where I get frustrated (warning: I am going to rant)
Margie did not care about the health of Josh O'Connor, Margie only care about her financial backing and I told her this. She was very taken back. She explained that my health was of the utmost importance. I then asked her why she was calling me on December 4th, which is exactly one month and 5 days AFTER my original missed CAT Pelvic Scan... that does not show too much concern in my eye...
Margie responded, telling me that she just found out about it...
AGAIN, another lie. I called Margie out on it as well. I told her that in my findings report, printed on UC Davis Radiology letterhead, it clearly states "the radiologist did not complete the entire scan, as the pelvic scan was not completed." I asked Margie to explain that... she did not know that was written into the report... which leads me to believe she did not read the report... my blood pressure at this point began to rise.
Finally, I just blurted out, Margie, I honestly do not believe that you are calling me because you are concerned or because you care about me. It is clear by this phone call that you have not even read over my chart. So please do not make a diagnosis about my life or how you think I need this scan... because honestly you don't know.
Margie told me that she would contact Dr Tanaka to see if she would approve the re-scan of my pelvic region. I explained that Dr. Tanaka would not probably approve because he is afraid of me exposing myself to MORE radiation -- causing another form of cancer.
She urged me to let her handle it and she would call me back
On Friday, Dec 5, I received a phone call from Margie. She told me that Dr. Tanaka would NOT allow me to have another CT scan due to the radiation.. (like I told her), until January. She told me that someone from the radiology scheduling office would contact me to set up an appointment.
Later that afternoon, I received a phone call from Angela, from the UC Davis Radiology Department. Our conversation went as following:
"Hello, may I speak to Josh"
"Hello, this is Josh"
"Hi Josh, This is Angela from UCD Radiology, I heard that you complained about our department, so we now need to re scan you... when is best for you"
**Mind you, she is very lucky that this conversation took place via the phone because if we were in person, and if looks could kill.....**
I said "I'm, sorry Angela, what did you say?"
She repeated herself slowly" I heard that you complained about our department, so we now need to re scan you... when is best for you"
I explained that early January would be best for me. We schedule for January 8th because on January 9th I meet with Dr Tanaka for a follow up. After my appt was schedule, I then said the following
"Angela, I just want to let you know that my life is on the line here -- life or death. I know that does not mean too much for you, but it is my life!! And the reason it even got to this point, is because of one of the doctors you are making an appointment for screwed up. So yes, I did complain because now I have to wait with a deadly cancer inside of me for the next 3 months.
Angela, I want you to know that I am not one to complain, but I think it is VERY rude by the way you are speaking to me. And because you have been so rude, I want you to know that I am going to make a complaint against you... I am telling you this because I work in a customer relations field base and I think it is only fair to have someone know if someone else is making a formal complaint against you"
She hung up on me.....
I love the health care system. I will be calling the UC Davis Customer Service Care on Monday.
But this is where I get frustrated (warning: I am going to rant)
Margie did not care about the health of Josh O'Connor, Margie only care about her financial backing and I told her this. She was very taken back. She explained that my health was of the utmost importance. I then asked her why she was calling me on December 4th, which is exactly one month and 5 days AFTER my original missed CAT Pelvic Scan... that does not show too much concern in my eye...
Margie responded, telling me that she just found out about it...
AGAIN, another lie. I called Margie out on it as well. I told her that in my findings report, printed on UC Davis Radiology letterhead, it clearly states "the radiologist did not complete the entire scan, as the pelvic scan was not completed." I asked Margie to explain that... she did not know that was written into the report... which leads me to believe she did not read the report... my blood pressure at this point began to rise.
Finally, I just blurted out, Margie, I honestly do not believe that you are calling me because you are concerned or because you care about me. It is clear by this phone call that you have not even read over my chart. So please do not make a diagnosis about my life or how you think I need this scan... because honestly you don't know.
Margie told me that she would contact Dr Tanaka to see if she would approve the re-scan of my pelvic region. I explained that Dr. Tanaka would not probably approve because he is afraid of me exposing myself to MORE radiation -- causing another form of cancer.
She urged me to let her handle it and she would call me back
On Friday, Dec 5, I received a phone call from Margie. She told me that Dr. Tanaka would NOT allow me to have another CT scan due to the radiation.. (like I told her), until January. She told me that someone from the radiology scheduling office would contact me to set up an appointment.
Later that afternoon, I received a phone call from Angela, from the UC Davis Radiology Department. Our conversation went as following:
"Hello, may I speak to Josh"
"Hello, this is Josh"
"Hi Josh, This is Angela from UCD Radiology, I heard that you complained about our department, so we now need to re scan you... when is best for you"
**Mind you, she is very lucky that this conversation took place via the phone because if we were in person, and if looks could kill.....**
I said "I'm, sorry Angela, what did you say?"
She repeated herself slowly" I heard that you complained about our department, so we now need to re scan you... when is best for you"
I explained that early January would be best for me. We schedule for January 8th because on January 9th I meet with Dr Tanaka for a follow up. After my appt was schedule, I then said the following
"Angela, I just want to let you know that my life is on the line here -- life or death. I know that does not mean too much for you, but it is my life!! And the reason it even got to this point, is because of one of the doctors you are making an appointment for screwed up. So yes, I did complain because now I have to wait with a deadly cancer inside of me for the next 3 months.
Angela, I want you to know that I am not one to complain, but I think it is VERY rude by the way you are speaking to me. And because you have been so rude, I want you to know that I am going to make a complaint against you... I am telling you this because I work in a customer relations field base and I think it is only fair to have someone know if someone else is making a formal complaint against you"
She hung up on me.....
I love the health care system. I will be calling the UC Davis Customer Service Care on Monday.
NY Times: Cancer Patients, Lost in a Maze of Uneven Care
Great New York Times Article:
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/29/health/29Cancer.html?_r=1
Sounds like my life....
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/29/health/29Cancer.html?_r=1
Sounds like my life....
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Radiology is on line 1
Today I received a phone call at work... it was radiology
OK, so I know that I have not written in a while. Life has been hectic. Work has been at an all time busy level. The students are currently entering finals week and are going a bit crazy!! The good students are studying hard and getting ready to prepare of the joys of finals. The bad students know that they are going to fail out, so they are acting out. I get to live among this…
Despite the craziness of work, my medical issues have begun to start up again. I have not really heard much word from the hospital lately. A few days after my birthday, I was encouraged to file a complaint with the UC Davis Cancer Center Patient Services after finding out they messed up on my CT Scan.
However, just today, the director of the UC Davis Radiology department called me at work to reschedule my missing CT Pelvic Scan from November. I explained to her that I was advised by my oncologist that I am not allowed to have another scan because I have been exposed too/received to much radiation and I am at high risk for another form of cancer.
She informed me that it would very important that I get this scan done! I agreed with her that the scan should be done, but I reminded her that the reason the scan was not done (a month ago when it was suppose to be scheduled) was due to HER doctor who misread the scan.
She informed me that she would personally call my oncologist to see if it was safe for me to get the scan and she would call me back tomorrow…
Ill keep you all posted…
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Birthday Wishes
Thank You All for my birthday wishes yesterday!!
I have lived to see another year!!
To another year........
I have lived to see another year!!
To another year........
Saturday, November 8, 2008
When it rains...it pours
So it has been a very long week.
Last week on Halloween, I went to the hospital for a radiology appointment to have a CT Scan on my abdomen and pelvis to view my tumors to see if they have grown, shrunk, or stayed the same.
I was instructed the morning of my scan that my appointment was changed from 2:30pm to 10am because the radiologist needed to be present because my case was complicated!
Though this caused me some discomfort because of the seriousness of the situation, I found some relief knowing that a radiologist was reviewing my case and not just a lab tech.
Well... I think I would have preferred the lab tech!
On Wednesday November 5th, I visited the UC Davis Cancer Center to meet with my oncologist, Dr. Tanaka, to discuss the results of my blood work and my CT scan.
Dr. Tanaka walked into the room and passed me a copy of my Imagining Results.
We reviewed them together.
During the review, Dr. Tanaka opened up the images and we found something very interesting.....
The radiologist only did HALF the scan! --
He was suppose to scan from my lungs to my groin.
He only scanned from my lungs to the top of my pelvis bone!
The only thing you could see on the scan was the top two tumors.
Dr. Tanaka looked at me and told me that he was not pleased.
My facial expressions/body language must have expressed my displeasure because I didn't even have to talk and Dr. Tanaka began to tell me to relax.
I could not believe that they moved my scan around to ensure that a trained radiologist was to review and oversee my scan and it was screwed up.
Needless to say, I was beyond words.
The Imagining Results read as follows:
Dr Tanaka asked me if I wanted to have another CT scan done to get a better reading on my body to see if the tumors have increased or remained the same in the lower region of my abdomen -- I told him that I think it would be necessary and if I was his child, what would he do for him??
Dr. Tanaka agreed that a CT Pelvic scan would be a good thing and he recommended that I have one within a week (the week of Nov 10th)
HOWEVER, Dr. Tanaka did have a strong warning for me.
His warning was that I have had 3 CT scans, 2 MRIs, 1 octride scan, and 1 PET scan since August 1st -- which is a lot of radiation.
Dr. Tanaka was very worries that I might develop another form of cancer due to the amount of radiation that I have already received. He was worried for me to have another scan.
So I have the option of waiting for my cancer to continue to grow, or take the risk of developing another form of cancer....
These life decisions should NOT be on my table. I hate that they are!
It just stresses me out beyond belief! I just want to crawl into a ball and cry, scream and yell -- WHY!! but i know that is not going to help...
I made the decision to have another CT scan for the week of Nov 10th so that I can know what is going on in my body before my next CT scan in January.
Dr. Tanaka ordered my scan, as well as a standing order of blood tests every 8 weeks.
Friday November 7th
At 5pm Dr. Tanaka called me.
He answered the phone in his standard greeting
"Hello Joshua, This is Dr. Tanaka, are you driving? If you are driving, I really need you to pull over right now"
Well.. I know the news is not good. Whenever he calls with that greeting, he delivers bad news.
Dr. Tanaka informed me that he took my case to the cancer board again (overnight) and everyone on the board strong suggests that I do NOT get another CT scan because I have exposed myself to a great deal of radiation and they are all worried about my future health. The radiation has already broken down my immune system and I am starting to get sick.
Dr. Tanaka suggested that I cancel my CT scan and wait until January for another CT Scan.
After a few minutes of thinking, I agreed. (not really willingly)
I mean, what am I suppose to say... I have a team of doctors telling me that I might cause myself more harm by doing this scan... but on the other hand, I am thinking about having to wait for another 3 months.... I cant stand waiting anymore.
It is torture... worse then having cancer, in my opinion.
So now I wait.
Dr. Tanaka highly suggests that I go speak to my therapist, which I have already made an appointment. My stresses and pressures are kind of unbearable right now.
What if i make the wrong decision, my life really depends upon making the right one! but which is the right decision..... And I hate that I need to make this big of a decision.
Weekend of November 7-9th
This weekend I have been thinking a lot. I have spoken to a few people.
I have entertained the suggestions of checking out a clinical trial in Stanford.
I am going to be contacting my doctor in San Diego for a second opinion.
I have made a phone call to my cousin to see what her medical professional opinion would be.
My friends and family are upset, as am I. Not at me, but at the situation.
I am not sure what decision I need to make
I am not sure how serious this really is
I am not sure how confident my doctors are right now
I am not sure what direction I need to turn
I am sure that I am confused and scared.
I am sure that I wish I did not have to make this life altering decision
I hope that I make the right decision, I just need to figure out what decision would be the correct one to make
As my birthday draws very close (November 10th) I am excited to see the day come.
Another year to celebrate
However, (this might sound sick), I just hope that I can see many more Nov 10ths come in the far distant future....
So, to sum it up, Im scared... but if anyone else was in my same spot, I would expect them to be in the same boat!
Last week on Halloween, I went to the hospital for a radiology appointment to have a CT Scan on my abdomen and pelvis to view my tumors to see if they have grown, shrunk, or stayed the same.
I was instructed the morning of my scan that my appointment was changed from 2:30pm to 10am because the radiologist needed to be present because my case was complicated!
Though this caused me some discomfort because of the seriousness of the situation, I found some relief knowing that a radiologist was reviewing my case and not just a lab tech.
Well... I think I would have preferred the lab tech!
On Wednesday November 5th, I visited the UC Davis Cancer Center to meet with my oncologist, Dr. Tanaka, to discuss the results of my blood work and my CT scan.
Dr. Tanaka walked into the room and passed me a copy of my Imagining Results.
We reviewed them together.
During the review, Dr. Tanaka opened up the images and we found something very interesting.....
The radiologist only did HALF the scan! --
He was suppose to scan from my lungs to my groin.
He only scanned from my lungs to the top of my pelvis bone!
The only thing you could see on the scan was the top two tumors.
Dr. Tanaka looked at me and told me that he was not pleased.
My facial expressions/body language must have expressed my displeasure because I didn't even have to talk and Dr. Tanaka began to tell me to relax.
I could not believe that they moved my scan around to ensure that a trained radiologist was to review and oversee my scan and it was screwed up.
Needless to say, I was beyond words.
The Imagining Results read as follows:
On the images obtained, both pre-and postcontracts, there is overall more numerous number of lymph nodes seen since the prior 7/24/07 CT scan. When compared to the 8/9/08 CT scan, the number of nodes has not increased, but remained the same. Furthermore, a few of the largest nodes seen at the right lower quadrant on the prior 8.9.08 CT appear to have decreased in size. However, A second adjacent lymph node also appears. There is no evidence seen for progression of disease on the images obtained (those that were taken), however, there is still clinical concern -- the patient should return for additional imaging of the more inferior pelvis and additional pelvic adenopathy.
Dr Tanaka asked me if I wanted to have another CT scan done to get a better reading on my body to see if the tumors have increased or remained the same in the lower region of my abdomen -- I told him that I think it would be necessary and if I was his child, what would he do for him??
Dr. Tanaka agreed that a CT Pelvic scan would be a good thing and he recommended that I have one within a week (the week of Nov 10th)
HOWEVER, Dr. Tanaka did have a strong warning for me.
His warning was that I have had 3 CT scans, 2 MRIs, 1 octride scan, and 1 PET scan since August 1st -- which is a lot of radiation.
Dr. Tanaka was very worries that I might develop another form of cancer due to the amount of radiation that I have already received. He was worried for me to have another scan.
So I have the option of waiting for my cancer to continue to grow, or take the risk of developing another form of cancer....
These life decisions should NOT be on my table. I hate that they are!
It just stresses me out beyond belief! I just want to crawl into a ball and cry, scream and yell -- WHY!! but i know that is not going to help...
I made the decision to have another CT scan for the week of Nov 10th so that I can know what is going on in my body before my next CT scan in January.
Dr. Tanaka ordered my scan, as well as a standing order of blood tests every 8 weeks.
Friday November 7th
At 5pm Dr. Tanaka called me.
He answered the phone in his standard greeting
"Hello Joshua, This is Dr. Tanaka, are you driving? If you are driving, I really need you to pull over right now"
Well.. I know the news is not good. Whenever he calls with that greeting, he delivers bad news.
Dr. Tanaka informed me that he took my case to the cancer board again (overnight) and everyone on the board strong suggests that I do NOT get another CT scan because I have exposed myself to a great deal of radiation and they are all worried about my future health. The radiation has already broken down my immune system and I am starting to get sick.
Dr. Tanaka suggested that I cancel my CT scan and wait until January for another CT Scan.
After a few minutes of thinking, I agreed. (not really willingly)
I mean, what am I suppose to say... I have a team of doctors telling me that I might cause myself more harm by doing this scan... but on the other hand, I am thinking about having to wait for another 3 months.... I cant stand waiting anymore.
It is torture... worse then having cancer, in my opinion.
So now I wait.
Dr. Tanaka highly suggests that I go speak to my therapist, which I have already made an appointment. My stresses and pressures are kind of unbearable right now.
What if i make the wrong decision, my life really depends upon making the right one! but which is the right decision..... And I hate that I need to make this big of a decision.
Weekend of November 7-9th
This weekend I have been thinking a lot. I have spoken to a few people.
I have entertained the suggestions of checking out a clinical trial in Stanford.
I am going to be contacting my doctor in San Diego for a second opinion.
I have made a phone call to my cousin to see what her medical professional opinion would be.
My friends and family are upset, as am I. Not at me, but at the situation.
I am not sure what decision I need to make
I am not sure how serious this really is
I am not sure how confident my doctors are right now
I am not sure what direction I need to turn
I am sure that I am confused and scared.
I am sure that I wish I did not have to make this life altering decision
I hope that I make the right decision, I just need to figure out what decision would be the correct one to make
As my birthday draws very close (November 10th) I am excited to see the day come.
Another year to celebrate
However, (this might sound sick), I just hope that I can see many more Nov 10ths come in the far distant future....
So, to sum it up, Im scared... but if anyone else was in my same spot, I would expect them to be in the same boat!
Monday, November 3, 2008
Beating Cancer...
I’m not sure if any of you have ever heard of post secret or have ever been to the post secret website. (www.postsecret.com )
Post Secret is a website where people can submit their deepest darkest secrets online without anyone knowing..
He sent it to me....
It speaks for itself!
Sunday, November 2, 2008
I believe....
I believe -
...that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I believe -
...that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I believe -
...that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I believe -
....that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I believe -
....that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I believe -
...that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I believe -
....that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I believe -
....that you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I believe -
....that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I believe -
....that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I believe -
..That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I believe -
...that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I believe -
....that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I believe -
....that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
I believe -
....that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I believe -
....that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I believe -
....that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I believe -
....that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I believe -
...that our background and circumstances may have influenced who
we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I believe -
....that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I believe -
....two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I believe -
..that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I believe -
....that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.
I believe -
..that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I believe -
.... that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
I believe -
....that you should send this to all of the people that you believe in.
...that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I believe -
...that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I believe -
...that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I believe -
....that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I believe -
....that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I believe -
...that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I believe -
....that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I believe -
....that you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I believe -
....that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I believe -
....that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I believe -
..That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I believe -
...that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I believe -
....that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I believe -
....that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
I believe -
....that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I believe -
....that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I believe -
....that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I believe -
....that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I believe -
...that our background and circumstances may have influenced who
we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I believe -
....that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I believe -
....two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I believe -
..that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I believe -
....that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.
I believe -
..that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I believe -
.... that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
I believe -
....that you should send this to all of the people that you believe in.
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