Thank You All for my birthday wishes yesterday!!
I have lived to see another year!!
To another year........
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Saturday, November 8, 2008
When it rains...it pours
So it has been a very long week.
Last week on Halloween, I went to the hospital for a radiology appointment to have a CT Scan on my abdomen and pelvis to view my tumors to see if they have grown, shrunk, or stayed the same.
I was instructed the morning of my scan that my appointment was changed from 2:30pm to 10am because the radiologist needed to be present because my case was complicated!
Though this caused me some discomfort because of the seriousness of the situation, I found some relief knowing that a radiologist was reviewing my case and not just a lab tech.
Well... I think I would have preferred the lab tech!
On Wednesday November 5th, I visited the UC Davis Cancer Center to meet with my oncologist, Dr. Tanaka, to discuss the results of my blood work and my CT scan.
Dr. Tanaka walked into the room and passed me a copy of my Imagining Results.
We reviewed them together.
During the review, Dr. Tanaka opened up the images and we found something very interesting.....
The radiologist only did HALF the scan! --
He was suppose to scan from my lungs to my groin.
He only scanned from my lungs to the top of my pelvis bone!
The only thing you could see on the scan was the top two tumors.
Dr. Tanaka looked at me and told me that he was not pleased.
My facial expressions/body language must have expressed my displeasure because I didn't even have to talk and Dr. Tanaka began to tell me to relax.
I could not believe that they moved my scan around to ensure that a trained radiologist was to review and oversee my scan and it was screwed up.
Needless to say, I was beyond words.
The Imagining Results read as follows:
Dr Tanaka asked me if I wanted to have another CT scan done to get a better reading on my body to see if the tumors have increased or remained the same in the lower region of my abdomen -- I told him that I think it would be necessary and if I was his child, what would he do for him??
Dr. Tanaka agreed that a CT Pelvic scan would be a good thing and he recommended that I have one within a week (the week of Nov 10th)
HOWEVER, Dr. Tanaka did have a strong warning for me.
His warning was that I have had 3 CT scans, 2 MRIs, 1 octride scan, and 1 PET scan since August 1st -- which is a lot of radiation.
Dr. Tanaka was very worries that I might develop another form of cancer due to the amount of radiation that I have already received. He was worried for me to have another scan.
So I have the option of waiting for my cancer to continue to grow, or take the risk of developing another form of cancer....
These life decisions should NOT be on my table. I hate that they are!
It just stresses me out beyond belief! I just want to crawl into a ball and cry, scream and yell -- WHY!! but i know that is not going to help...
I made the decision to have another CT scan for the week of Nov 10th so that I can know what is going on in my body before my next CT scan in January.
Dr. Tanaka ordered my scan, as well as a standing order of blood tests every 8 weeks.
Friday November 7th
At 5pm Dr. Tanaka called me.
He answered the phone in his standard greeting
"Hello Joshua, This is Dr. Tanaka, are you driving? If you are driving, I really need you to pull over right now"
Well.. I know the news is not good. Whenever he calls with that greeting, he delivers bad news.
Dr. Tanaka informed me that he took my case to the cancer board again (overnight) and everyone on the board strong suggests that I do NOT get another CT scan because I have exposed myself to a great deal of radiation and they are all worried about my future health. The radiation has already broken down my immune system and I am starting to get sick.
Dr. Tanaka suggested that I cancel my CT scan and wait until January for another CT Scan.
After a few minutes of thinking, I agreed. (not really willingly)
I mean, what am I suppose to say... I have a team of doctors telling me that I might cause myself more harm by doing this scan... but on the other hand, I am thinking about having to wait for another 3 months.... I cant stand waiting anymore.
It is torture... worse then having cancer, in my opinion.
So now I wait.
Dr. Tanaka highly suggests that I go speak to my therapist, which I have already made an appointment. My stresses and pressures are kind of unbearable right now.
What if i make the wrong decision, my life really depends upon making the right one! but which is the right decision..... And I hate that I need to make this big of a decision.
Weekend of November 7-9th
This weekend I have been thinking a lot. I have spoken to a few people.
I have entertained the suggestions of checking out a clinical trial in Stanford.
I am going to be contacting my doctor in San Diego for a second opinion.
I have made a phone call to my cousin to see what her medical professional opinion would be.
My friends and family are upset, as am I. Not at me, but at the situation.
I am not sure what decision I need to make
I am not sure how serious this really is
I am not sure how confident my doctors are right now
I am not sure what direction I need to turn
I am sure that I am confused and scared.
I am sure that I wish I did not have to make this life altering decision
I hope that I make the right decision, I just need to figure out what decision would be the correct one to make
As my birthday draws very close (November 10th) I am excited to see the day come.
Another year to celebrate
However, (this might sound sick), I just hope that I can see many more Nov 10ths come in the far distant future....
So, to sum it up, Im scared... but if anyone else was in my same spot, I would expect them to be in the same boat!
Last week on Halloween, I went to the hospital for a radiology appointment to have a CT Scan on my abdomen and pelvis to view my tumors to see if they have grown, shrunk, or stayed the same.
I was instructed the morning of my scan that my appointment was changed from 2:30pm to 10am because the radiologist needed to be present because my case was complicated!
Though this caused me some discomfort because of the seriousness of the situation, I found some relief knowing that a radiologist was reviewing my case and not just a lab tech.
Well... I think I would have preferred the lab tech!
On Wednesday November 5th, I visited the UC Davis Cancer Center to meet with my oncologist, Dr. Tanaka, to discuss the results of my blood work and my CT scan.
Dr. Tanaka walked into the room and passed me a copy of my Imagining Results.
We reviewed them together.
During the review, Dr. Tanaka opened up the images and we found something very interesting.....
The radiologist only did HALF the scan! --
He was suppose to scan from my lungs to my groin.
He only scanned from my lungs to the top of my pelvis bone!
The only thing you could see on the scan was the top two tumors.
Dr. Tanaka looked at me and told me that he was not pleased.
My facial expressions/body language must have expressed my displeasure because I didn't even have to talk and Dr. Tanaka began to tell me to relax.
I could not believe that they moved my scan around to ensure that a trained radiologist was to review and oversee my scan and it was screwed up.
Needless to say, I was beyond words.
The Imagining Results read as follows:
On the images obtained, both pre-and postcontracts, there is overall more numerous number of lymph nodes seen since the prior 7/24/07 CT scan. When compared to the 8/9/08 CT scan, the number of nodes has not increased, but remained the same. Furthermore, a few of the largest nodes seen at the right lower quadrant on the prior 8.9.08 CT appear to have decreased in size. However, A second adjacent lymph node also appears. There is no evidence seen for progression of disease on the images obtained (those that were taken), however, there is still clinical concern -- the patient should return for additional imaging of the more inferior pelvis and additional pelvic adenopathy.
Dr Tanaka asked me if I wanted to have another CT scan done to get a better reading on my body to see if the tumors have increased or remained the same in the lower region of my abdomen -- I told him that I think it would be necessary and if I was his child, what would he do for him??
Dr. Tanaka agreed that a CT Pelvic scan would be a good thing and he recommended that I have one within a week (the week of Nov 10th)
HOWEVER, Dr. Tanaka did have a strong warning for me.
His warning was that I have had 3 CT scans, 2 MRIs, 1 octride scan, and 1 PET scan since August 1st -- which is a lot of radiation.
Dr. Tanaka was very worries that I might develop another form of cancer due to the amount of radiation that I have already received. He was worried for me to have another scan.
So I have the option of waiting for my cancer to continue to grow, or take the risk of developing another form of cancer....
These life decisions should NOT be on my table. I hate that they are!
It just stresses me out beyond belief! I just want to crawl into a ball and cry, scream and yell -- WHY!! but i know that is not going to help...
I made the decision to have another CT scan for the week of Nov 10th so that I can know what is going on in my body before my next CT scan in January.
Dr. Tanaka ordered my scan, as well as a standing order of blood tests every 8 weeks.
Friday November 7th
At 5pm Dr. Tanaka called me.
He answered the phone in his standard greeting
"Hello Joshua, This is Dr. Tanaka, are you driving? If you are driving, I really need you to pull over right now"
Well.. I know the news is not good. Whenever he calls with that greeting, he delivers bad news.
Dr. Tanaka informed me that he took my case to the cancer board again (overnight) and everyone on the board strong suggests that I do NOT get another CT scan because I have exposed myself to a great deal of radiation and they are all worried about my future health. The radiation has already broken down my immune system and I am starting to get sick.
Dr. Tanaka suggested that I cancel my CT scan and wait until January for another CT Scan.
After a few minutes of thinking, I agreed. (not really willingly)
I mean, what am I suppose to say... I have a team of doctors telling me that I might cause myself more harm by doing this scan... but on the other hand, I am thinking about having to wait for another 3 months.... I cant stand waiting anymore.
It is torture... worse then having cancer, in my opinion.
So now I wait.
Dr. Tanaka highly suggests that I go speak to my therapist, which I have already made an appointment. My stresses and pressures are kind of unbearable right now.
What if i make the wrong decision, my life really depends upon making the right one! but which is the right decision..... And I hate that I need to make this big of a decision.
Weekend of November 7-9th
This weekend I have been thinking a lot. I have spoken to a few people.
I have entertained the suggestions of checking out a clinical trial in Stanford.
I am going to be contacting my doctor in San Diego for a second opinion.
I have made a phone call to my cousin to see what her medical professional opinion would be.
My friends and family are upset, as am I. Not at me, but at the situation.
I am not sure what decision I need to make
I am not sure how serious this really is
I am not sure how confident my doctors are right now
I am not sure what direction I need to turn
I am sure that I am confused and scared.
I am sure that I wish I did not have to make this life altering decision
I hope that I make the right decision, I just need to figure out what decision would be the correct one to make
As my birthday draws very close (November 10th) I am excited to see the day come.
Another year to celebrate
However, (this might sound sick), I just hope that I can see many more Nov 10ths come in the far distant future....
So, to sum it up, Im scared... but if anyone else was in my same spot, I would expect them to be in the same boat!
Monday, November 3, 2008
Beating Cancer...
I’m not sure if any of you have ever heard of post secret or have ever been to the post secret website. (www.postsecret.com )
Post Secret is a website where people can submit their deepest darkest secrets online without anyone knowing..
He sent it to me....
It speaks for itself!
Sunday, November 2, 2008
I believe....
I believe -
...that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I believe -
...that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I believe -
...that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I believe -
....that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I believe -
....that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I believe -
...that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I believe -
....that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I believe -
....that you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I believe -
....that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I believe -
....that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I believe -
..That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I believe -
...that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I believe -
....that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I believe -
....that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
I believe -
....that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I believe -
....that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I believe -
....that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I believe -
....that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I believe -
...that our background and circumstances may have influenced who
we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I believe -
....that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I believe -
....two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I believe -
..that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I believe -
....that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.
I believe -
..that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I believe -
.... that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
I believe -
....that you should send this to all of the people that you believe in.
...that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I believe -
...that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I believe -
...that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I believe -
....that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I believe -
....that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I believe -
...that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I believe -
....that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I believe -
....that you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I believe -
....that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I believe -
....that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I believe -
..That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I believe -
...that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I believe -
....that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I believe -
....that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
I believe -
....that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I believe -
....that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I believe -
....that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I believe -
....that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I believe -
...that our background and circumstances may have influenced who
we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I believe -
....that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I believe -
....two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I believe -
..that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I believe -
....that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.
I believe -
..that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I believe -
.... that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
I believe -
....that you should send this to all of the people that you believe in.
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